You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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