Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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