I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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