The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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