I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
