I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
