I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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