My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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