How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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