And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
