they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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