the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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