It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
