Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
