I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
