Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
