dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
