if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
