I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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