flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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