Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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