I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Drunk is not a location!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
