When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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