I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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