you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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