even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
