return my video game
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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