Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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