You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
