i just wanna soil my oats bro
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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