He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
