She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
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