Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
two words: eviction party
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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