I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
