me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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