You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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