wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My vagina is officially offended.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
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