Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
