I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
