I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
