Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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