You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
