Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i've created a new STD.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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