Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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