Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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