When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
