I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Couch. On fire.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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