My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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