He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
