Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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