apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
