How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
being pregnant is like rehab
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
