I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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