if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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