She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
