My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
