If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
