Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We are two peas in an std pod
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
