The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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