you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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