do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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