Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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