I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
