Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
