Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
