I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize