this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
