I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
